Not Over You
by BreatheSemperMea
Summary: And when the anger is going away, the hurt is still evident, but you know it'll be there as long as you keep it to yourself, you know you have to actually sit down and talk with the person you still love. Some civil talk needs to happen. One shot set after a week after Callie pecked Meredith goodbye in the morning.


AN: So, I am just so tired of all that crap that is going on with the two, I had to do something about it, let them be civil for a few minutes.

AN2: Also, work is a bitch and it's so crazy and everything, but I'll have some time off soon and I'll use that to work on TIAM2, I promise. If I can, I'll update sooner.

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Approaching the woman standing at the nurse station, Callie took a couple of deep breaths. It was weeks after her wife had cheated on her, weeks after she'd left their joint apartment in a rush with their daughter and a whole week since she'd kicked her wife out of their apartment to move back in, needing the feeling of getting a little control back in her life, of getting herself back. Because, even though living with the McDreamies was nice and it gave her some time to process and some space to breathe, she couldn't do it anymore. Not since that very morning she had kissed Meredith goodbye. It was a peck, and it wasn't intended, but it happened and although it had been confusing, it had also been a wake-up call for her.

"Hey", she coughed as she stopped next to Arizona, who she was in fact still married to. But somehow, it felt like she was trying to talk to a stranger. "Can we... uhm... can we talk?"

Turning around to face the brunette, Arizona didn't know what to think of what had just happened. She was still trying to get used to Callie not wanting to talk to her unless it was anything work related or about Sofia. Not because she didn't want to talk. She still very much felt the need to talk about everything. But every time she had tried to have a civil conversation with her wife, it had ended in Callie bashing around, hurting her with words and actions and she just couldn't take any more of her crap. So she'd stepped back and gave her wife, the woman she still loved with everything she had, and herself some space. "Is this about Sofia?"

The Latina shook her head, her brain was just about to get foggy with the cerulean blue orbs that were boring holes into her soul. Arizona still had that effect on her. It had started the moment the blonde had kissed her in the dirty bathroom at Joe's, it hadn't stopped during their fight over wanting, needing to have kids, and it had not subsided when she had dumped her at the Airport, flying out to Africa. It was those eyes she fell in love with, the looks and winks Arizona gave her. "It's, she choked out and cleared her throat, "it's not... it's uhm... can we just talk for a bit? Five minutes?"

"Sure", the blonde perked, wanting to keep her wall up in case Callie would just want to rant at her again about how she fucked up their lives and about how she was the devil in all of this. "Now, or..." She could do it now. It would be better than later. Because now would mean that it would be all out. And later would just have her thinking about the possibilities and that wouldn't be wise since she was scheduled for doing surgery in thirty minutes. Just a routine appendectomy, but with her leg still giving her problems she needed to be able to focus on the surgery, and not the pain or something else.

"Now would be good", Callie said simply and walked towards the nearest on-call room. She knew that multiple pairs of eyes were following her. Nurses', her wife's, fellow surgeon's. She also knew that, as soon as Arizona would follow her, there would be rumors starting about how they were back together or that they were at least having sex. But honestly, sex was far from her thoughts and she found herself wishing back to the moment months ago when having sex with her wife had been on her mind constantly. Hearing the door behind her shut with a soft click, she closed her eyes, trying to figure out what to do now. She was torn. Turning around or not. Talking or not, which was irritating because she actually wanted to talk, but she didn't know now if she could. When she finally turned around though, she found Arizona sitting on the small bed, gripping her thigh tightly. "Does it hurt?"

"Yeah. Rough days, tough nights...", she admitted, looking anywhere but at her wife. "I massage it just how you showed me, but my girly hands are not as good as yours, I guess." The weak smile that crept upon her lips only lasted the few seconds of the happy memory. She knew she had done this to herself. Or at least, she began to understand that, while some of their other fights had been hurtful and breaking them, her infidelity was the worst they'd been through. "I am sorry."

"You already said that." And without the intention, her voice had gone colder. Callie sighed. She hadn't come in here to fight today. She was tired of fighting. But she was also tired of hearing Arizona say that she was sorry. Being sorry was not the problem. The problem was everything that happened around the cheating. Everything that had gone wrong before Lauren had shown up. Then the cheating itself. But also everything that had happened afterwards and that was still going on. She looked at the blonde, soft curls framing the beautiful, yet sad face. "I am sorry. I didn't mean to sound so cold again. It's just, you said that you were sorry before. I know that you are sorry. I think, I even understand that you are sorry, somehow. But it doesn't change everything this time. Sorry is not enough this time."

Nodding, Arizona looked back up to find chocolate brown eyes staring at her. It was the same brown eyes she had looked into while they had said their vows. The same brown she had met when the Latina had woken up after the car accident. The same soulful orbs she was missing so much every day she woke up alone. "What did you want to talk about?", she asked, needing something else to think about, something to take her mind of the hurt in Callie's eyes.

"I kissed Meredith Grey", Callie blurted out, knowing the instant the words had left her mouth, that it had come out wrong. "Not like that", she quickly added. "Not like I kissed... I used to kiss you. It happened a week ago. I was still staying at their house and everyone was getting ready in the morning and she had forgotten something and I reminded her and then I pecked her on the lips", she explained. "It was... I just knew I had to get out of there, you know? It was-"

"The night you kicked me out...", Arizona stated with an understanding nod. She knew her wife long enough to know that something had happened that day. Sure, her way of telling her to leave wasn't nice and a little warning would have helped a lot, but she knew her wife and Callie often made decisions with her guts. Like, having sex with Mark Sloan while she was gone – gut decision. Leaving their home with Sofia – gut decision. Kicking her out to leave the MerDer's, gut decision. Cutting off her leg?

Looking at the woman on the bed, she chewed on the inside of her lower lip, thinking about sitting down or stay where she was. A few weeks ago, she'd have preferred to stay put to give her some sort of control over the sitting woman. But the thing was, that this wasn't the point in this conversation. Not today. So she slowly walked over to the bed and sat down next to her wife. "I wanted to tell you. Not to hurt you, just for the case of being honest. It's...", she trailed off.

"It's okay. You're-"

"No", she cut the blonde off. "It's not okay. There's only one person I want to kiss – in any way – and that's you. There's only one person I want to wake up to and that's you. There's only one person I want around me, helping me getting Sofia ready for the day and that's you. I just don't know if I can trust you, fully, I mean. I know you'd never do anything to hurt Sofia, I do trust you with her. I just don't trust you with me, Arizona", she said, her eyes focusing on the wall. "You had my heart and you broke it three times, and the last time was the worst you could have done to me."

"I know that", Arizona said when she thought that Callie was done. Her heart had skipped a few beats at the brunette's declarations. And then it had sunk into her chest at the confession of the missing trust. When things are missing, you replace them. They had bought a new phone for Callie after the car crash, replacing her old, crashed one. They had replaced all the plates and cups Sofia or one of them had dropped onto the floor. She had replaced her leg with a prosthetic one in order to walk and work again, to be a mother again. But if trust was missing, no matter how much love was still there, trust was one of the hardest things to replace. "I am so sorry for ruining it, Calliope", she said softly. "I know it doesn't mean much to you, but I am sorry. So so so sorry for everything that happened after the plane crash. For lashing out on you. For making you feel like I hated you, because I didn't. I was just so angry. And then for... for breaking my vows, for breaking up our family. And I am sorry for not giving you space after that. I will never be sorry for loving you enough to fight for you, though."

She turned her head to look at her wife, their faces inches apart for the first time in weeks, months even. And for a moment, behind all those hurt feelings visible on the blonde's face, she saw the old Arizona, she could truly see the woman she'd married. "I can't trust you with my heart, right now. But, as weird as it may sound, the moment I kissed Meredith made me see that I want us back. I want our family back. I want you back", she said and with every word it became clearer that the love was definitely still there. "I want to trust you again, but I need time. I want to love you again, but I need time. I might even need some more time to be angry and hurt, but now I'll do this without pillorying you in public", she smiled slightly. "Because that's one of the things I am sorry for."

"What else?", the blonde asked hopefully. Somehow she had the feeling, that, in the last ten minutes, they had talked more honestly with each other than in the whole last year. "What else are you sorry for?"

"For taking Sofia away from you. You're her momma and no matter the outcome, you will always be her mother, Arizona", she assured the blonde. "You are allowed to see her even when it is not your day and I should have understand sooner what I was doing to you and to her. I am sorry for treating you the way I did. I was just so hurt and... and angry with you. There are a lot of things I am sorry for. I am not sorry for cutting off your leg, though. Because, even though we're here, in this pretty messed up marriage and we need some help, some counseling, we wouldn't be here if you weren't still alive. So, no, I am not sorry for making the call."

Studying her wife's face for another minute or two, Arizona felt a smile tugging at her lips. It wasn't a full dimpled smile, nor was it one of the super magical ones everybody – and especially Callie – loved so much. But it was a true smile, it reached her eyes and her heart. Carefully leaning in, knowingfull well that she was most likely pushing the borders, she brushed a strand of dark hair behind Callie's ear. "We'll fight and we'll make it", she stated. "We'll do counseling, I'll do counseling to get better and we'll be stronger in the end. I love you and you love me and yes, we might seem broken, but we're just bent, a lot. But we'll make it." She didn't know where

the new strength had come from. Maybe from her wife's words, from her honesty. Maybe from the fifteen minutes of civil conversation. But for the first time in months, she not only had hope that they were going to make it, but she actually knew it. Because Callie made decisions with her guts. Like, having sex with Mark Sloan while she was gone, a gut decision which gave them Sofia. Kicking her out so she could leave the McDreamies' house, a gut decision that had her move back into the home she needed to leave because she couldn't breathe there anymore. Cutting off her leg, a gut decision made out of love and of hope for the future.

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AN3: My beta said it would be a crime to keep it to myself... so uhm, let me know what you think?


End file.
